This is me, for forever. If I follow you its because I don't know you.
If you see something you don't like then gtfo.
I’m just so tired.
I’ve been home for five days and there hasn’t been one where I haven’t cried.
I know, pathetic.
But wouldn’t you cry too if your own mother showed you that you’re worthless and made you fear for your life?
Like right now I have needle nose pliers beside me. Why? because I heard my mom moving around upstairs. We just had a fight, well more of a scream-fest directed towards me.
I wont bore you with the details, but when things get like that around the house, in the past, I have had the shit kicked out of me. My safety has been threatened. My life has been threatened. All by my mother.
I live in constant fear. Her temper, too easily, becomes volatile, her compassion conditional, and her sanity missing.
and I become the target.
The physical attacks are painful and terrifying. But its the verbal abuse and the psychological warfare that do the most damage.
I have never known unconditional love, sincere security, or joy from my mom. In the past ten years, I have not known any of these things from a parent. I have been made to feel incapable and worthless, unlovable and unwanted, stupid and trapped, all by my mother.
All of this has made me contemplate suicide many times in my life.
I’ve struggled with the notion since I was young, maybe 11 or 12. And, tried sincerely about 5 times.
I’ve had the open bottle of pills in my hand, the vodka open.
I’ve had the knife to my wrist.
The rope, ready in my hands.
All with the thought “your own mother doesn’t love you, so how could anyone else, once they get to know you?” running through my mind.
You see, when the one person on earth who has known you since before you were born doesn’t care about you, it seriously brings into question your worth as a human being.
I’m sick of my mother making me regret not killing myself.
I’m sick of the fear and the urge to grab a weapon every time I hear my mother wake up.
But, I guess I wont’t kill myself. Never been able to in the past, so why would I bother now?
That, and I would waste all that money I spent on university.
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